This Will Not Go Well
by SlytherinDearie
Summary: Effie makes Haymitch meet her parents and evil little sister. It's not a matter if Haymitch won't get along with them, it's a matter how much he won't. Hayffie. Post Mockingjay
1. Getting There

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games characters or any of Bill Chappell's inventions, only the originals.

Dedicated to my great grandma, Effie (yes that's really her name!), who's rocking chair I was sitting in when I got this idea.

Author's note: Set two years after Mockingjay. If this helps anyone, District 12 is in the Appalachian Mountains and The Capitol is in the Rockies, so in modern terms, it's like driving from West Virginia (I decided on this state because it's known for coal mining) to Colorado (I've always thought the Capitol city could be modern day Estes Park, Colorado) And the District Haymitch thought would never end, is modern day Kansas. My family moved from Oklahoma to Colorado and the worst part of getting to Colorado was going through Kansas. It felt like it would never end when my family moved from Oklahoma to Colorado and drove through Kansas. I actually Mapquest'd this trip to make as realistic as possible. The trip one way would be one day and 1500 miles. Also, I think the red truck from Twister screams Haymitch, but that's just me. And yes, Colorado has Prairie dogs, they are all over the place, even in cities!

* * *

"Haymitch, I think we should take a trip to the Capitol so your can meet my family." Effie Trinket, soon to be Effie Abernathy said one summer night in District 12 as she coated her hands with a sickeningly sweet lotion in bed.

Haymitch muttered something unintelligible into his pillow, one arm falling over side of the bed. Unbeknownst to Effie, he had fallen asleep several minutes ago.

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be! I don't give you enough credit, do I, Haymitch?" She asked happily, kissing his cheek.

Undeterred, thinking Haymitch had given her the okay, Effie happily started planning the trip. Haymitch had never met Effie's parents. They knew about each other, a few things about each other and had spoken briefly a few times. However, Effie wanted them to meet before the big day. She wouldn't be able to forgave herself if such a rude act occurred.

Haymitch came down stairs a few mornings later to find Effie in the living room with suitcases, packing away.

"Should I be worried by this?" He asked gesturing to the luggage, "Or take this as a warning?" Was Effie leaving him? He mentally started compiling a list of all the alcohol he wanted to fade what he knew would be an ugly memory.

"Whatever are you talking about, Haymitch? I'm only packing for our trip to the Capitol to see my parents." Effie replied, folding one of Haymitch's shirts.

"Oh ok, you scared me," then Effie's words hit him, "Wait. What?"

"You remember, don't you?" She asked, putting the clothing down and turning her full attention to her fiancé. "Tuesday night, I said we should go visit my parents, so you can meet them before the wedding and you said yes."

"I was asleep! I said no such thing! I hate to break it to you, but we're not going, sweetheart." He exclaimed. He loved Effie with everything he had, but he never wanted to set foot in the Capitol, ever again. Why couldn't they come here?! That and, the thought of people similar to Effie, well, lets just say the world only needs one Effie Trinket.

"Well that's too bad Haymitch. I already confirmed it with my parents, my brother is even coming in!" Effie stated as though it meant something to him.

It seemed like he had no other choice. If the in-laws knew, he couldn't back out or else they would give him hell for the rest of their lives.

"Fine," He groaned dramatically. He caught a glimpse of the bags she was packing. All were neatly packed and color coordinated. "Organized people are just too lazy to look for things." He quipped, turning on his heel and headed outside. Say something to annoy Effie and leave before she can reply, that'll teach her.

Effie shook him awake early that next morning, or late that night, in Haymitch's opinion. No human (especially Haymitch Abernathy) should be awoken at three thirty in the morning. "Up, up, up!" Effie sang.

He halted her with a single finger in the air, not moving from his sleeping position, "If you say 'It's going to be a big big day, I will not marry you."

"Well be that way, grumpy. I will tell my mother not to make her famous cheesecake tomorrow night." With that, Effie left the room, leaving Haymitch to get ready.

A half hour later, Haymitch was loading their bags in the backseat of his truck. Now that there were no restrictions on personal vehicles, Haymitch bought one. Unlike most of the citizens of District 12, he knew how to drive. He once took a Peacekeeper's vehicle, trying to get his little brother to a healer on the other side of the District. And also unlike the rest of District 12 and the poorer districts, he had taken to driving, rather than still walking. He liked not having to walk everywhere.

Effie emerged from the house several minutes later after checking and rechecking that everything was locked, turned off, and that nothing was forgotten. All Haymitch cared about where his geese and Peeta promised to care for them in his absence.

"Let's get this over with." He said.

Effie fell asleep half way through District 12. Leaving Haymitch to entertain himself, though he had to admit, Effie looked cute when she slept.

They had to go through Districts 11, 10, and 7 to get to the Capitol and would be there late that night. Thankfully, due to two time changes not too late, around midnight Capitol time or two o'clock District 12 time.

Effie awoke at the beginning of District 11 and they stopped and ate lunch half way through. Effie had packed them a lunch and snacks for the trip. It wouldn't have been a horrible drive if District 10 hadn't gotten in their way, the last District before the Capitol. It was nothing but farmland with the only thing to look at were cattle and a smattering of farm buildings and homes.

"Ugh! When will this district end!?" Haymitch groaned dramatically, banging his head on the steering wheel.

"Calm down, Haymitch. Enjoy the simplicity," Effie responded, playing on her tablet computer.

"This is too simple. Even for me."

Half an hour later, they passed a homestead that had a giant sign, facing the road that foretold of divine revenge on the country of Panem.

"Thank god for rednecks," Haymitch said to himself. People were getting a little crazy with their new freedom of speech, but it was the most entertaining thing he'd seen all day.

They were more than half way there when it started getting dusky outside. When it was completely dark, save for the headlights, mountains started springing up in the distance and became bigger and more imposing as they reached the Capitol. Effie's family lived just outside the Capitol City on land they owned. Haymitch purposely took back roads to get there, he really didn't want to see the city.

Around twelve thirty local time, they finally arrived. The little garden lights following the paved driveway and the porch light was left on for them. It was quite obvious this was the Trinket residence, the home was painted bright, whimsical colors and lawn ornaments and flowers, shrubs and trees littered every inch of grass.

As soon as the truck came to a halt, Effie sprang from it, apparently eager to see her family. Haymitch hung back and grabbed their bags. Just as he was about to step away and head to the door, he heard a high pitched chattering and something run across his feet; he whirled around and in the low light he could see it; a group of prairie dogs that run into a thicket of trees nearby. He hated prairie dogs.

Haymitch and Effie were greeted by a wave of noise and beings when the door opened for them. Her father greeted them happily, pulling Effie into a bear hug. Two more Effies stood next to him, her mother and little sister. By the look of her family, they were weaning themselves off of Capitol couture much like he was alcohol. And that's really saying something as they were only dressed in their nightclothes. Haymitch was too afraid to think what their 'normal' day to day clothes looked like.

At their feet were two dogs, a hyperactive beagle/jack russell mix that was jumping around and quickly shifting her front feet up and down, and an obese basset hound with large brown eyes that gave the impression she was permanently startled, drooling on his shoes. On top of the bookcases in the living room, were two cats, a tabby and tuxedo cat, ready to pounce on Haymitch's face if he made the wrong move.

Effie's mother was named Lyric, she owned a thriving bakery in the Capitol City. She was only slightly taller than Effie with fading lavender hair. Her father was a tall man with wild blue with a matching mustache and goatee and a giant grin on his face like he were welcoming the President into his house, rather than just Haymitch. His name was Cosmo, above their bakery, he had his computer work shop. Many Capitol citizens preferred going to him rather than shipping their electronics to District 3 because of his convenient location and his work was just as good as District 3's. Behind them was a young girl, probably fifteen with white blonde hair, same color as Effie's natural color.

'That must be her sister who calls her non stop.' Haymitch thought.

Effie's little sister was named Lissy. She relied heavily on Effie, much more than their parents (not that they weren't good parents) and was devastated when Effie moved across the country to District 12. She really did not like Haymitch and blamed him for her older sister's upheaval. Haymitch would never admit a little scrawny fifteen year old scared him, but when he looked in her blue eyes, he saw himself dead. He saw himself dead, in little pieces, being fed to the ginormous slobbering basset hound.

"Oh my god, there's more of you," He said under his breath, dazed from the trip and sudden rash of human interaction.

"Cosmo Trinket, nice to finally meet you in person, son." Haymitch was about to take his extended hand, but Cosmo quickly wrapped him in a bear hug.

"Hi," was all Haymitch could say. He swore he felt his spleen squeeze into his esophagus.

Effie's mother pushed herself in front of her husband. "I'm Effie's mother, Lyric," she smiled, then motioned for Lissy to come up front, "This is our youngest, Lissy."

"Hi," She said coolly, crossing her small arms over her chest and glaring at Haymitch.

"Mother, father, Lissy, this is my fiancé, Haymitch Abernathy. You can thank him for my survival two years ago." Effie said, with a smile.

Haymitch grimaced internally. He hated the thought of Effie imprisoned. Imprisoning someone as harmless as Effie really showed that Snow was truly an evil man. That and especially, hated people knowing he could be a nice guy.

Her parents said nothing, at a loss for words. Finally, after a few short moments, Cosmo said, "Well come in, come in," he said, ushering Haymitch and Effie forward, closing and locking the front door behind them.

Now that the introductions were over, Effie and her family shared a long embrace.

"We've missed you so much!" Her mother exclaimed, nearing tears.

"You look beautiful without all that silly Capitol couture!" Her father gushed.

"Why did you have to move, Effie? He isn't even cute." Lissy said in disdain.

"Well, you're both probably exhausted. We'll let you get some rest. I've set up your old room for you two and you know when breakfast is, your father and I are cooking a large one! Your brother should be in sometime tomorrow." Her mother said to Effie.

Effie nodded and after exchanging goodnights, she led Haymitch to their room.

'Yeah, this is her old room,' He thought as she turned on the light. It was painted in an obnoxious shade of pink , the furniture was wooden and painted white and the room decorated with frilly and girly things.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it Haymitch?" She asked, pulling out her toiletries and night clothes.

"Hold your horses, sweetheart, we're not home yet. We still have a week to go." He replied, throwing himself on the bed. Effie scoffed and rolled her eyes, vanishing into the adjoining bathroom.

When she was in the shower, he took this as a chance to learn about the girl Effie used to be before they met. On the wall facing the white desk was a pink damask memo board filled with pictures. Pictures of her with friends, receiving multiple awards, school graduation and various dances.

He liked seeing Effie like this, happy and carefree, but he could see a difference in how she carried herself now and in those pictures. Today, she carried herself even taller and straighter. It used be for the sake of politeness (no one likes a sloucher!), now it is out of confidence, like 'I've been through worse, this is nothing.' Yes, the Effie Trinket was a different one now than one before she escorted Katniss Everdeen to the Capitol. And he loved it.

Alerted from his thoughts, he heard the shower shut off. Quickly, he changed and borrowed under the covers. When she joined him in bed, he quickly pulled her closer to him, wrapping her securely in his arms, a habit of his that he would rather go unknown but to the two of them.


	2. Day One

Haymitch awoke some hours later with a weight on his chest, thinking it was his sister in law from hell, trying to smother the life out of him. His eyes snapped open, only to be met with yellow feline eyes staring at him, purring. It was the tuxedo cat. Effie said his name was Astro. From what Effie told him, this cat had a special place in her heart. Effie had probably heard him meowing at their closed door and let in earlier that night.

Haymitch, tried to pry the old cat from his chest and place him on Effie's side, but the cat dug in his claws and growled. Haymitch winced at the pain and resolved himself to having a temporary parasite.

Morning came too quickly, but the delicious smell that wafted from door stairs was enough to make Haymitch leave the comfy bed. Astro had long since vanished, but when he opened his eyes, thinking the warm body he was holding was Effie's, only to see the little, hyper dog, staring back at him. It let out a loud grunt like sigh, not taking her eyes of him.

Haymitch heard Effie laughed heartily. "Come here Bella," She called, standing over the bed watching the scene. The white, black and brown dog jumped over Haymitch and onto the floor, looking expectantly at Effie.

"Come down for breakfast, Haymitch." She said.

Haymitch followed Effie down stairs where Lyric was setting the table and Cosmo was tending to the sausage in a skillet with the big basset at his feet whining.

"No Bella," He said snapping his fingers and pointing to a large dog bed in the living. "Go lay down."

The dog begrudgingly obeyed and trotted into the living room.

"Why are both your dogs named Bella?" He asked Effie quietly as they took their seats at the table.

"We found Big Bella after we had Little One, Little Bella, for several months. Big Bella already had a home and a name, Bella. She was spoiled rotten to the point she ballooned up and they no longer thought she was cute so they wanted to get rid of her. She's a pureblood with papers, but they just gave her for free. I never realized how horrible that story is until now." Effie explained, with a slightly pained expression.

"That's ridiculous." He said, shaking his head in disgust, watching the dog try to tip over a glass of milk sitting on the coffee table with her snout and without Lissy noticing. She was too busy texting her friends.

"It is, isn't? It may not be entirely obvious by her size, but she is on a diet and has been since we've adopted her."

"It looks like it's going splendidly." Haymitch said sarcastically.

"She's going through a relapse." Effie replied, jokingly.

"Breakfast is ready!" Lyric called.

Lyric and Cosmo had prepared a meal that rivaled those he was served during his time as a mentor. Sausage, homemade biscuits and gravy, hash browns, along with homemade cinnamon rolls filled the table.

"Tell us about yourself, Haymitch," Cosmo stated as everyone started eating.

Haymitch shrugged. "There's not a whole heck of a lot to me. I was born and raised in District 12. My father was a miner and my mother was seamstress. My dad died of black lung when I was thirteen. I was the oldest of their kids and had a younger brother."

"Had?" Lissy asked snottily.

Before Haymitch could say anything nasty, Effie replied, "They, along with his then girlfriend, were killed after his Hunger Games." She said solemnly.

Haymitch struggled not to angrily leave the table, but he stayed for Effie, "I was a mentor for District 12. If I hadn't been Reaped, I would have become a miner. Now I raise geese and it's my every intention to treat Effie with the love and respect she deserves. Effie is the only family I have."

"Haymitch was instrumental in the Uprising. The country is free because of his help." Effie said proudly. With all this praise, Haymitch wondered if it was possible drown himself in the gravy. He was never able to take compliments well. He never felt like he deserved them.

"Why do you raise geese? Why not something useful like horses?" Lissy asked her soon to be brother in law. Her tone had not changed since her last question.

"Have you ever been attacked by a goose? It hurts! And when someone asks what happened, you don't want to say it was goose because know one thinks a goose is that volatile. Thus adding insult to injury, it'll make any punk think twice before bother me…" Haymitch replied in an evil tone, happily thinking about the damage his geese could do.

"They spread seeds, the District is using them to help grow the plant life." Effie clarified.

"It's still stupid." Lissy grumbled.

"Well, I don't raise them for you sweetheart." Haymitch snapped. "Is she always a bitch?" He asked Effie.

Haymitch didn't notice, but Effie saw a look of disbelief on her parents faces. They would have said something, but gave Haymitch another chance. It was still early.

Through the remainder of breakfast, Haymitch was questioned about his life and treated like a second class citizen by Lissy. He kept himself from snapping at her again because of Effie and her parents. He wouldn't admit it, but for the first time in his life, he actually cared about making a good impression. Though it was quite obvious that any chance of him making a good impression was shot the minute he made his first public misstep during the Hunger Games after his own.

"Haymitch, follow me. I want to show you something." Cosmo said, standing up from the table and motioning for Haymitch to follow him. Haymitch followed his future father in law down to the basement. Normally, the thought of following a future father in law to a dark basement would have terrified Haymitch, but with the last name of Trinket, to Haymitch, it pretty much rendered anyone harmless.

Scattered across a large wooden desk was computers in various states of disrepair ranging from modern tablets to old laptops and ancient desktops. Screws, motherboards and tools cluttered any useable space. A large blue tub with the words "Trinket Paranormal" spray painted on the side caught his eye. Seeing it was open, he walk over to it. Inside was several cameras, numerous flashlights, and other equipment he couldn't place.

"This is our family hobby. What do you think? Now that it's possible to travel between districts, I'm itching to investigate new locations! Investigating old Hunger Games arenas get so boring after a while. Well, that's not even an option anymore!" Cosmo guffawed. "Would you like to come on a public investigation? Or are you too scared?" He joked playfully.

'Scared? I lived through the Hunger Games,' Haymitch thought darkly, "I've never believed in this stuff." He replied evenly. "I need to see something before I believe it. Even then I'm still skeptical."

"Tell me, son, do you know about the law of conservation of energy?"

"No. You may not remember, but I come from District 12. Actual education wasn't exactly a priority."

"It simply states that energy, what you and I are made of, cannot be destroyed, only changed. Our team is very thorough, we don't write everything off as a paranormal occurrence, we go out of our way to try to find a rational explanation for it, if we can't, well the proof is in the pudding!"

"What is this stuff?" Haymitch asked, looking at the unnamed equipement, "Does Effie do this?"

Cosmo chuckled, "Effie? No. She came along on our first investigation when she was Lissy's age. She was too scared to continue after the first unexplained noise. But all this stuff, is part of our equipment. We have two others filled upstairs. I have enough equipment to effectively cover a five story building with equipment to spare. Here we have surveillance cameras, recorders, infrared camera, EMF meters, 30 channels worth of DVRs, ah! This little doozy," he said holding up a little black box with a speaker vents and a toggle switch. It looked quite old.

"This is a PX, a ghost box. It was created back in 2006 and production stopped when the creator died. No one really knows how it worked, but it was the Holy Grail of ghost hunting. Thankfully, this one still works and but we use it sparingly. I'm trying to create my own. And if you ever hurt my daughter, we'll have to use one of these to contact you." Cosmo said jokingly, but with a hint of truth. He dramatically flipped the toggle.

For several seconds, all Haymitch heard was static and electronic pulsing. Then in a cold, electronic voice, the device said, "Hayden."

"Who's Hayden?" Cosmo asked, more to himself.

"My little brother's name." Haymitch replied, coldly, clenching his fists at his sides, trying not to punch Cosmo square in the face. Haymitch's blood was finally boiling. Ever since his Hunger Games, very aspect of his life had become public. In his mind, Cosmo must have found out his brother's name and programmed the machine to say it, probably to get Haymitch to believe this ghost hunting crap. Like Katniss, Haymitch was very protective of his younger sibling.

"You know, I may come from a District that you think is populated by inbred hillbillies and I'm sure you had a better education than I did, but that doesn't mean I don't know when you're playing me for fool." Haymitch said sharply. "I've done some pretty low things in my life, but pulling a stunt like this takes the cake." With that, he stormed off, leaving Cosmo.

That afternoon, Haymitch found himself in living room, idly watching the television. Effie and her mother were in the kitchen, her father was still down in the basement and sister had barricaded herself in her room. He was suddenly, jolted when the front door opened, nearly grabbing his knife.

Hearing, "I'm home," calmed him.

Turning to look, he saw a tall, slender man, shaved head, a purposely grungy clothes with gauged ears; it was Effie's younger brother, Cassius, the black sheep of the family. Haymitch could tell they would get along. His appearance in the home drove the pets insane. The dogs ran to greet him and the cats glared at him from their perches.

"Beware of the dogs. The cats are shady as fuck also." Haymitch said, standing to meet his soon to be brother in law and walking up to him.

Haymitch stood as both males assessed each other, "Well, you look normal." They both said.

"Cassius Trinket," He said, offering Haymitch his hand.

"Haymitch Abernathy. It's good to know that someone in this family is normal." He said, shaking Cassius' hand.

"And I'm glad you are .When I heard Eff was engaged, I imagined the worse when I thought her fiance. She didn't tell me she was engaged to you, _the_ Haymitch Abernathy! I think you'll be good for her. Bring her out of the clouds a bit."

"She's already done most that herself, surprisingly."

"CASH!" Haymitch heard Effie exclaim happily, follow by the exclamations of Lyric and Cosmo. Lissy unwillingly came out of her room and moped down the stairs.

Effie flung herself into her brother's arms and Cosmo and Lyric enveloped both of them. Haymitch felt a cavity coming in.

"Guys, I can't breath." Cassius choked.

"It's good to have you back son!" Cosmo said happily, pulling away.

"You can regale us of your adventures over lunch! It's ready!" Lyric said, ushering everyone into the dining room where a platter of hot sandwiches and sides were served. Big and Little Bella snuck in when everyone was greeting Cassius. The two dogs were staring at the spread woefully.

"You look like shit and smell like it too. Haymitch even looks better than you and he's ancient." Lissy said, following behind everyone.

"Lissy! Watch your language!" Lyric chided. If Lyric hadn't gotten to it first, Effie would have.

"At least I don't look like a pug had a stroke." Cassius countered. Lissy gasped and touched her face, fearing she'd feel sagging skin.

At lunch, it was Cassius' turn to be grilled by Lyric and Cosmo and be verbally assaulted by Lissy. Cassius had no problem dishing it right back to her.

Cassius' was a part of an underground movement of 'intellectual rebels' in the Capitol. They were mostly artists of varying genres who disagreed with the Capitol, but really did nothing to change it. From what Haymitch understood, they splintered off of the actual Rebellion, claiming they did not agree with the Rebellions militant forces. In truth, they were too lazy to do anything and just sat around and bitched and moaned about how they felt the Capitol had slighted them.

Cassius, however, was not a true representative of this subculture. He only associated with them because most of his friends were members. While he hardly agreed with the Capitol's politics or the Rebellion's tactics, he did start a smaller splinter group in the Capitol after he heard about Effie's imprisonment.

"I'm thinking of moving to District 6." Cassius stated.

"Why 6?" Haymitch asked. "It's nothing but Morphling addicts."

"True, but I can easily get a job as a mechanic."

"What astute reasoning." Lissy grumbled.

"What a vocabulary!" Cassius said sarcastically. "Did you learn that from that teeny bopper singer you obsess over? You know she lip syncs and thinks girls like you are just peons."

Haymitch snorted, trying not to laugh. Was that he sounded like? He could easily become a narcissist if so!

Lissy stood up, slamming her hands on the table, "Demi Cyrus does not! She loves us!" She yelled defensively.

With that Haymitch busted out laughing, nearly falling out of his chair and barely able to breath. Oh the naiveté of Capitol children!

"You just can't make stuff like that up," he said once he regained his composure, wiping a tear from his eye. He didn't even care that everyone was staring at him.

"Haymitch, do you know what fencing is?"

Haymitch was caught off guard. He knew Cassius wasn't talking about actual fencing, like around a yard.

'Great. Now I _do_ look like an uneducated hillbilly.' He thought to himself, remembering how he told off Cosmo earlier. "No, I've never heard of it." He said evenly.

"Good. That's the last thing Haymitch needs to learn." Effie spoke up.

"Well that being said, my interest is peaked." Haymitch said, just to annoy Effie.

"Great! Follow me!" Cassius said, getting up from the table.

As Haymitch got up, he saw Effie's expression. It said, 'Don't you dare follow him.' Haymitch chuckled and kissed her forehead. "I love you too, Effie."

Lissy gagged dramatically as Haymitch sauntered out, following Cassius.

The backyard was situated right against a mountain with the river that flowed through the city, flowing through their backyard. There was just enough grass for the dogs to run around and a long building to comfortably fit.

Cassius led him inside the building and flipped on the lights. Inside was an odd looking gym. Running along the floor were four metal, ridged lanes that started at the halfway point of the room and stopped at the back wall. Each was wide enough to fit about two people side by side. There was a red line about a foot after the beginning on each ends. On the left wall were odd looking swords that Haymitch had never seen before along with uniforms that almost resembled Peace Keepers uniforms. Attached to the wall was a score board with long eight cords attached to it. On the opposite wall were trophies and ribbons with Cassius' name on them, first and second places mostly.

"What is this place?" Haymitch asked, looking around.

"It's everything you need for fencing. Or sword fighting, in laymen's terms."

That really got Haymitch's attention. Anything to make him more lethal was always a good thing in his book.

"Kids are spoiled rotten in the Capitol. Effie and Lissy got all the clothes, makeup and jewelry they wanted. Well, I got this. This kind of fencing would never work in the Games. It's too cultured, too controlled." Cassius explained

"Hey hey hey, stop or you'll make me loose interest." Haymitch said.

Cassius started digging around in the storage unit the uniforms where the uniforms were kept. "Start catching. Trousers." Cassius said he threw a pair of white pants over his shoulder to Haymitch.

"Lame." He threw a vest looking type of clothing that had no sleeves and looked like it hooked between the wearer's legs.

"Glove." He threw a single, white sturdy glove.

"Body cord." He carelessly flung a cord at Haymitch and it wrapped itself around his neck. It had two ends that looked like could be plugged into a wall outlet.

"Chest guard." Haymitch barely caught the flat, white plastic piece that had straps on the top. Haymitch hoped to god that it want on under all those clothes or else he'd feel like a confused transvestite.

"Jacket." He threw a white, long sleeved jacket with a high collar. Haymitch hated high collars. Or collars in general.

"Socks." Thankfully they smelled clean. They, like all the clothing, was a sterile white and looked like they would go up to his knees.

"Plastron." Haymitch was thrown a jacket like article with only one sleeve that tied around his side.

"Go put all that on." Cassius pointed to a door that Haymitch assumed was the bathroom. When he emerged in the clothing, Cassius was dressed in the same.

"I feel like a Peace Keeper. I want to die." Haymitch groaned.

"Once we start sparing it'll get better. Here's your shoes and helmet." Cassius handed him a simple pair of athletic shoes but the helmet terrified him. It covered him from the neck up and his entire face was covered by black metal mesh. He could feel the fears and anxieties that the Games created stirring as he put it and the shoes on.

Cassius took the cord that Haymitch held uselessly in his hand and attached his and his own to the wires connected to the scoreboard. He hooked the other end to his and Haymitch's lames. They were now attached to the scoreboard.

"We'll start off with a Foil, French grip. It's what I start with." Haymitch was handed a long, thin sword. Examining it, he saw the point was blunt.

"Hey, this isn't sharp! What are you trying to pull-" Before Haymitch could come up with a smart ass insult, Cassius jabbed him in his sternum and a shrill buzz echoed through the room.

"It's not supposed to be."

For the remaining daylight hours, Haymitch was taught the art of fencing.

It did not go well.

He had two left feet that made it incredibly hard (and funny) for him to advance and retreat. He mixed up parry and riposte and all around did not understand. Half way through, he gave up on all the rules and it turned into a fight you'd see in the Hunger Games themselves.

Just as Haymitch was about to finally get on the scoreboard (Cassius was winning 24 to 0), he heard Effie's familiar giggle. He turned his head and saw Effie standing at the door, looking at the score board. That ignited a very male part of him and wanted to beat Cassius for Effie. Just as that thought zipped across his mind, he heard the all too frequent buzz of the score board. Cassius had scored another point.

"Go easy on him, Cassius! I still need him!" Effie joked. "Come along you two, dinner is ready!"

Lyric had prepared a meal of rosemary chicken, cheesy potatoes and sour cream with handmade rolls. For dessert, she baked a coconut pecan bundt cake. Everyone had spoke of their day.

Cosmo had gotten in several tablet computers of Paylor's staff after Haymitch stormed off on him. Apparently it was an emergency that had no time to get to District 3. He felt very proud that they chose him and felt confident he could fix the computers ahead of schedule and even give them a tune up to increase their performance.

Lyric spent most of her day in the kitchen, cooking their meals and trying out new cupcake flavors. She felt her new strawberry lime stuffed cupcakes would be a hit at the Spring Festival.

Lissy was having an anxiety attack about dresses. Her end-of-year school dance was coming up and she was also in the Spring Festival Pageant and believed she didn't have a thing to wear. Haymitch hated the way she was acting even more than usual. It was like she was worrying about something she desperately needed, like a life saving surgery, not ten pounds of tulle and glitter that she'd wear for a few hours, stuff in her probably full closet and forget about it only to repeat the process all over again.

After dinner, Haymitch inexplicably found himself seemingly alone in the house once more. He wondered around the first floor, trying to find Effie or someone. Finally as he walked down a hallway, he heard their voices coming from a room at the end of the hallway. He stepped quietly and got as close to the room as he could and flattened himself up against the wall, listening.

"Baby doll, we're worried about Haymitch. Do you think he's right for you?" Cosmo asked worriedly.

Haymitch felt his heart drop. It felt like forever until Effie replied, when in reality, she never hesitated.

"What? Of course he is!" He heard Effie's voice. She sounded indignant.

"We're just worried about your safety with him. He drinks like a fish and has his own blooper reel after every Hunger Games season." Lyric said, sympathetically.

"And he has a horrible temper!" Cosmo added.

"He's just so much older than you…" Lyric stated.

"Only ten years." He heard Effie sigh. Haymitch wanted nothing more than to walk into that room, grab Effie and take her home. She and her brother were the only sensible humans in that family.

Effie continued, "You wouldn't be much different if you went through the Hunger Games and had to kill people!" Effie's voice started to rise in annoyance, but she caught herself.

"He's killed people?!" Her parents exclaimed in shock. Haymitch refused the urge to bash his head through the wall. He would never understand how the citizens of the Capitol didn't realize how the Hunger Games resulted in death.

"He was a victor in the Hunger Games…" Effie's patience was wearing thin and her usual prim and articulate voice was strained. "What do you think he did to win?" She asked acerbically.

"I don't like him." Lissy spoke up. "I made a bet with my best friend Dior that his liver will cut out by this time next year."

"Lissy!' Effie exclaimed in horror.

"Thanks to miracles of modern medicine, there are preventative measures for that. How do you think the Capitol can party like it does without succumbing to cirrhosis? And just because you don't like someone doesn't lessen their worth, you twit." Cassius said to Lissy.

"Do you know what that man has done for me?" Effie exclaimed. Haymitch could hear the oncoming tears in her voice and probably stomped a her foot in that undeniable Effie Trinket way. "I wouldn't be alive if it weren't from him! He was the one who saved me from my imprisonment!"

"You guys are just upset because he's different and doesn't dress like you." Cassius accused. "Effie is right! You wouldn't be much different if you went through what he did. The guy saved Effie's life. If that doesn't say love or set a precedence, I don't know what does." he argued.

"Thank you, Cassius." Effie said.

"Well what about the way he treats Lissy?" Cosmo asked.

Haymitch could hear Lissy's expression of superiority.

"What about the way Lissy treats him!? Or anybody! She's a snotty little brat who thinks everyone is below her. If she doesn't end up pregnant by the time she graduate, it'll be a fucking miracle!" Cassius exclaimed. "And you know she's been caught fighting at school!"

"This isn't about Lissy, it's about Haymitch." Cosmo said sternly. "If Haymitch doesn't shape up by the end of this week when you're supposed to go back to District 12, I will not let you go back with him, let alone give him my blessing to marry you."

"She's almost thirty one years old, not fifteen!" Cassius yelled at Cosmo. "You don't have to listen to him anymore, Effs." He urged Effie.

"I know." Effie said, quietly, sniffing back tears. "I will marry Haymitch, regardless if you approve. And if that means I will no longer have you in my life then so be it." She replied resolutely. He heard the rustling of her getting up as soon as she fully stepped in the hall, he grabbed her.

She started to speak, but quickly realized that everyone in the room would know that Haymitch had heard what they said. He led her outside and sat her down on a porch swing. The cool mountain air bit at Effie's exposed arms and Haymitch quickly removed his jacket and draped it across her shoulders.

"How much did you hear?" Effie asked, quietly. She sniffed. Haymitch took out of the decorative kerchief in the jacket's pocket. He never used it and hoped it wasn't sewn into the jacket's lining. Thankfully, it wasn't and handed it to his fiancée.

"I came in just as your father was asking if I was right for you." He replied as she demurely blew her nose. Only Effie Trinket could do that without sounding like an elephant.

"Oh great, so you heard everything," Effie said in annoyance.

Haymitch wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.

"What if they're right, Haymitch?" She asked quietly, burrowing deeper in his embrace. "What if we're not good for each other?"

He knew she wasn't truly having any serious doubts. The confrontation with her ignited the neurotic side of her and made her worry. She just needed to be comforted.

"Well, we're certainly not good for anyone else. Who else would put up with us?" He joked, hoping that would assuage her.

It didn't and that meant he needed to drudge up all his thoughts and feelings for her. He wasn't good with stuff like that and Effie deserved someone who was.

"Effs, don't give them the satisfaction of getting to you. I love you and you love me right?"

"Of course I love you, Haymitch!"

"That's all that matters."

Author's note: Thank you so much for the Favorites, Alerts and especially the Reviews! The Reviews are what really keep me going, I love written feedback! Also, for visual reference, I see Lissy as the younger blonde girl with the horse in Stevie Nick's music video 'Secret Love'. When I think of Cosmo and Lyric as ghost hunters, I really see Otho from Beetlejuice, doing more harm than good, trying to look unique and avant garde.


	3. Strike One

The next morning, Haymitch did not wake up the smell of breakfast being prepared like he thought he would.

"Are they that pissed?" He asked Effie, who was just waking up too.

"They have a public paranormal tour. They tend to sleep late so they can stay alert throughout the night." Unlike like most of Earth's population, Effie was a morning person and was alert the second she woke up.

"So your brother, sister, you and I will be left to our own devices?" Haymitch asked, deviously. "I hope they know they may not wake up to their house still here."

Effie said nothing, giving him a look as she got ready for the day.

"Are you going?" Haymitch asked, referring to the tour.

"Only if you go!" She exclaimed, nervously. "I think they want you to get involved."

"Even after last night?" He asked skeptically.

"Especially after last night! If you do go, it'll only make you look better in their eyes."

Haymitch huffed as he got out of bed, "Fine, but I'm going to dress up as a ghost in these bed sheets."

"I'm sure Cassius would happily join you." Effie giggled as they left their room.

Haymitch sat at the dining room table as Effie cooked breakfast. No one could tell by looking at her, but she did inherit her mother's cooking abilities. The only real mishap happened her first time cooking on a gas stove when she first moved in with Haymitch. All the stoves in the Capitol are electric and Effie wasn't paying attention. The next thing she knew, smoke was everywhere and sirens were screaming. Katniss had seen the smoke from next door and called the fire department. District 12 never had a fire department until after the Rebellion and that happened to be their very first call. Effie was mortified.

"I swear to god if you don't shut up I'll push you down these stairs," Haymitch heard Cassius yell angrily.

"Do it and I'll come back from the grave to haunt your ass!" Lissy threatened as the both entered the room. Lissy saw Haymitch and advanced on him, "You!' She exclaimed, grabbing the collar of his shirt. "I fucking heard what you were doing to my sister last night!"

Cassius bellowed with laughter but Haymitch was unfazed, "Welcome to the facts of life, sweetheart. And I was doing nothing _to_ Effie. The phrase 'doing to' implies that Effie was not a willing participant and I can assure you, she _was._" He said sarcastically as he removed her hands with little effort. He truly enjoyed the look of horror on her face. Lissy quickly replaced it with a death glare as she rounded the table and sat a chair away from Cassius.

"Are you going on the tour?" Cassius asked.

"I have to apparently. I told Effie I'm dressing up bed sheets." Haymitch groaned.

Lissy scoffed.

"I'm going to make them think a ghost is making noises." Cassius replied.

"You two are a bunch of immature idiots." Lissy griped.

"Shut it blondie, I've had a hard life. I deserve to not act my age with a like minded individual," He said, sarcastically and gesturing to Cassius. "What are we 'touring', exactly?" Haymitch asked Cassius.

"A theater , the only building in this part of the country that survived the first Rebellion, a couple of houses the city owns of historical significance and some fancy-smancy hotel." Cassius said, counting each of the locations on his fingers. "We start at the park on Main Street, go up to Skylark Street and circle back around to the park. It's about an hour and a half of walking, unless we get to go in the locations."

Haymitch slumped dramatically in his chair, "I hate walking."

"How the hell did you survive the Hunger Games?" Lissy asked sarcastically.

"Do you want to feel how hard I can punch?" Haymitch asked.

Any further argument stopped as Effie came in with breakfast.

"What did you do with all your Capitol clothes, Effie?" Lissy asked, eagerly. It was the first time Haymitch saw her act like a decent human being.

"Oh, well, I donated most of my clothes to a shop that deconstructs them and reuses the fabrics. No one would want to wear Capitol couture anymore. I only kept what I thought would be appropriate for District 12." Effie explained.

"Oh." Lissy said disappointedly.

"You have enough clothes, Lissy." Cassius chided, "Everyone at your school will hate you even more if you came in wearing Capitol clothes."

"Shut up! Unlike you, everyone likes me!" Lissy retorted.

Haymitch laughed, heartily.

"How about we eat quietly? I heard it helps digestion." Effie urged, wanting to quell any further arguments. All verbal jabs stopped, but that didn't stop the murderous glares.

Afternoon approached and Haymitch fell asleep on the couch, leaving him vulnerable. Lissy took this as a chance to use him as her personal canvas, using her entire makeup collection as her chosen medium. Unaware of Lissy's plan, Effie went to sit by the river. She always loved the water, how the sound could cancel the noises of modern life out so easily. Effie wished she could swim and nearly asked Haymitch to teach her, but she had a feeling his method involved throwing her in the lake and hoping she came back up.

She was alone for several minutes until she heard Cassius, "Can I join?"

"Of course!" She smiled. He sat down next her, pulling off his shoes and socks, putting his feet in.

"We drink this water, Cash!" She exclaimed in disgust.

"Not until it's been cleaned and purified." He assuaged, grinning at his sister's idiosyncrasies.

A comfortable silence fell upon them until Cassius spoke up.

"What was imprisonment like?" He asked quietly, "If it's too painful, I'll just shut up. I'm sure you've only told Haymitch-" He was cut off by Effie. It was probably the first time Effie Trinket ever interrupted someone.

"I learned that evil is real. And it's called humankind. They, uh," she paused, trying to keep her composure. Cassius realized she was losing her Capitol accent. Truthfully, it started slipping away when she met Haymitch, with all the time she spent in 12 over the years. Now it was only a subtle nuance to her voice. "Broke my forearm the first day and it wasn't repaired until 13 found me. They were able to fix it and I can obviously use it, but sometimes I loose all feeling for a few days. Nerve damage they say. Chipped teeth, _missing _teeth, internal bleeding, lacerated spleen, countless bruises and cuts. Haymitch paid for all my of my medical treatments. I cannot fully put my experience into words. I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

"How are you ok?" Cassius, dumbfounded. "If I would have known in time to save you before Haymitch did, I would have. Mom and Dad were trying to get you out too."

"I know they were and you would have. Haymitch and Plutarch Heavensbee merely got to me first. I choose to be happy. And I really am. I was rescued, I'm stronger than I was before, I was able experience a renaissance in the country and I'm engaged to wonderful, well in my opinion, man. I can't change the past, so it's no use in dwelling on it. I can be bitter or frightened of everyone or depressed or angry, but I was given a second chance and I am going to use it. Haymitch has even taught me how to shoot a gun," She giggled at the idea of her wielding such a weapon.

She tilted her head to the left, away from Cassius and gathered her hair. A single lock was dyed baby pink. "So I never forget how I've changed for the better."

"Does 12 treat you any better, knowing you were on there side?"

Effie sighed, wistfully, "Not much better. I don't blame them. I'm still the monster who stole their children. I don't understand my actions, myself. I was in Honors Literature; give me a story and I can analyze it, find the true meaning of the story and understand the characters actions and motives, but I couldn't understand what _I _was really doing."

"We were brainwashed, Effs and trained like dogs not to question the Capitol. I do not blame you at all. Does Haymitch know you obsessed over him during his games?" Cassius asked teasingly, hoping to lighten the mood.

Effie scoffed, playfully, "I highly doubt my six year old self _obsessed over a 16 year old. Did you know _

_Haymitch burned through sixteen escorts before I can along?"_

_Cassius chuckled. _

_Another silence fell over the siblings. Effie thought back to District 12. While she hated how she was ostracized and treated coldly by the people, she knew it was her home. She only hoped that any children she and Haymitch had would be treated better than she was._

"_Haymitch is going to be one of those old men who sit on their porch and yell at kids isn't he?" Effie asked, thinking about District 12. _

"_He isn't already?" Cassius asked, a mixture of seriousness and joking in his voice. _

_They both laughed heartily._

_Suddenly, Haymitch's voice broke their laughter. "Mother of god!" He yelled. _

"_We left Haymitch alone with Lissy." Effie stated._

"_We left Haymitch alone with Lissy." Cassius confirmed._

_They both quickly got up and ran to the house, partly to stop any fight and to have a laugh at whatever she did before Haymitch destroyed the evidence._

_The scene was enough to make Effie and Cassius burst out laughing. Both Lissy and Haymitch were standing in the middle of the living room holding the dining table chairs up with the legs facing each other. Haymitch was threatening to throw Lissy's designer purse into the burning fireplace and Lissy was holding a purple coated mascara wand, pointed at Haymitch. _

"_What is going on?!" Effie exclaimed._

_Haymitch turned to Effie, still prepared to fight. He looked like a mixture of Dr. Frank-N-Furter and Marie Antoinette on an acid trip. His hair was curled and his whiskers were dyed hot pink and shaped into whimsical patterns. His lips were painted purple, his cheeks were stained bright red. Blue, sparkly eyeshadow went all the way up to his eyebrows. His eyelashes were purple, matching the color on the mascara wand. Rhinestones were glued randomly to his face as though a child did it. His new makeover and crazy look in his eyes were enough to send Effie and Cassius into a laughing fit. Just when they thought they were done, they looked at Haymitch and it started all over again._

"_I'm going to kill that little brat!" He exclaimed._

_Effie was thankful that her parents where no where near to his threat, or they'd believe him. And quite frankly, Effie wasn't sure if he was serious or not._

"_Come on Haymitch, let's get you cleaned up." Effie said as Cassius took the chair and Effie urged him up the stairs. _

"_This isn't over!" He yelled, grabbing the corner of the wall at the of staircase, staring at Lissy. Effie was able to salvage her fiancés' appearance, but he had to shave for first time in months._

_Cosmo and Lyric awoke around noon. Lyric made a beeline for the kitchen to prepare lunch. Cosmo sat down in the living room, preparing notes for the tour. As everyone ate lunch, he buzzed about the tour._

"_We're expecting a great turnout! Over twenty people RSVP'd! We'll get to go in all the locations!"_

_Needless to say, Haymitch and Cassius had plans to disrupt the tour. Around six thirty, as dusk was approaching, everyone piled into Cosmo's car and drove down to the city. When they arrived, a group of people were waiting on them._

"_We still have a few minutes before we planned on starting. So we'll wait a few more minutes for anymore to show." Cosmo called to the group._

_Unfortunately, some of Lissy's friends from school happened to be at the park and were snickering at Haymitch._

"_I've killed people before, I can easily do it again," He said darkly. They instantly quieted. _

_Soon after, the tour started. Even though it was barely fall, due to the high elevation, Haymitch had to wear the long, thick coat over his suit-jacket that he only used in the cruel District 12 winters. He kept his arm around Effie's waist as they walked._

"_Good evening everyone! My name is Cosmo Trinket, I am the founder of Trinket Paranormal! This is my wife Lyric," Lyric smiled and greeted the group._

"_Our middle child, Cassius," Cassius merely nodded to the group._

"_Our youngest, Lissy," Lissy acted as though a spotlight was upon her._

"_And you all may know my daughter, Effie and her fiancé Haymitch Abernathy." Haymitch pretended to be interested in the sidewalk._

"_Hello everyone!" Effie said happily. _

"_Now that everyone knows who we are, let's get started!" Cassius started leading the group, walking backwards as he started his speech, "We live in an area with a sordid history, even before the country became Panem. Numerous high profile murders and shootings have happened in our neck of the woods. I personally think all the negative energy subconsciously swayed our nations' founders to put the Capitol here. Negative energy of the past begets the negative energy of the future. _

"_Our first stop will be the Juliet Theater Company. Back in 2012 an actress named Kalynn Kirk killed herself in her dressing room. No one knows why, but people speculated it was because she fell in love with one of the actors she could not have. Her spirit is seen in her dressing room, reenacting her death, standing of the stage, silently. Theater operators have heard her scream late at night."_

_When they arrived at the theater, they went in and actors and other people who worked at the theater shared their personal experiences. As an actress with bold red lipstick and thick eyebrows recalled her experience, Cassius nudged Haymitch, showing him a recorder in his hand. He pressed play and a woman's scream came from the machine._

"_That's her!" The actress exclaimed, dramatically as half of the group ran to the door in fright. Haymitch saw Cosmo giving him and Cassius a disapproving look as they tried to suppress laughter. _

_They behaved themselves during the next locations to not raise suspicions amongst the tour-takers , but a the last location, a hotel near the park they met at, they planned on shutting off the lights, touching the easily scared on the shoulder and banging on the walls._

_Everyone was standing in a conference room of the hotel, to not hinder the real guests. People who worked there were telling their stories of their encounters. After several minutes, Cassius gave Haymitch the signal and he flipped off the lights without anyone noticing. They started hitting the walls with their fists, stomping their feet and anything else they could think off._

_The entire tour group and hotel workers ran out of the room, nearly knocking people over. Women screamed as though they were being murdered and the men all but grabbed their girls to get them out quicker. Haymitch and Cassius could not hold back any longer and laughed._

_Cosmo and Lyric stared at Haymitch and Cassius. Effie knew they were livid. She sighed, "Strike one." _

_Author's note: My family and I are paranormal investigators with our own team and faking evidence and experiences are the best ways to anger an investigator. It's the reason why most real groups and teams hate T.A.P.S, P.R.S. ects In other news, I need to realize that it's Woody Harrelson playing Tallahassee in Zombieland, not Haymitch….. _


	4. Strike Two and Three

The third day visiting Effie's family in the Capitol was relatively uneventful. This could have been said about the entire day. Then midday came and changed it. Lissy's and Haymitch's fights have now become all too common. Unfortunately, the fights only served to hurt Haymitch's chances of getting Cosmo's blessing for the wedding. Effie hated the look on her parents faces when a fight erupted. Both Lissy and Haymitch were stubborn and wouldn't change or concede. She knew Lissy was spoiled and rude and that Haymitch was deprived and rude. They were almost two sides of the same coin. More often than not, Haymitch was right, only his approach was wrong, she would give him that.

After lunch, Lyric had brought out old family photo albums for everyone to look at. She reminisced about times when her family was still young and told stories that thoroughly embarrassed her children. Everyone was gathered around the dining room table. Stuff like this usually made Haymitch want to gag, but it never hurt to have a little dirt on your in laws. Or your wife.

"Remember when we had our vow renewal and Effie got car sick? She must of thrown up four or five times! All I remember is her head hanging out of the side of the car door!" Lyric exclaimed and everyone erupted into laughter.

Haymitch noticed Effie was blushing. By the look on her face, all she wanted to do was burry her head in the ground. He wrapped his arm around her and gave her an affectionate squeeze, "Don't feel bad, sweetheart. I know how it feels."

"I wasn't _drunk_ Haymitch, I was twelve." She replied, evenly, her face still red.

"Remember what Lissy did to me when she was two?" Cassius asked, grinning ear to ear.

Lissy visibly clenched her fist and teeth angrily, "Cassius, I swear if you say another word…"

Haymitch cut Lissy off, "What did she do?"

"Apparently, I pissed her off somehow and I fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV. Well, she came up to my head, took her diaper off and pissed on my head." Cassius explained casually. That sent everyone into another fit of laughter. It was all Lissy could do to not jump across the coffee table and throttle her brother.

Lyric turned the page and Haymitch saw a somewhat recent photo of Effie. She was at the train station in the Capitol, still dressed her Capitol Couture, obnoxious makeup and giant wig. Haymitch wanted to burn that photo; it wasn't _his_ Effie, it was a crude effigy of the real woman underneath. He could tell the photo made Effie uncomfortable. She shunned her Capitol persona almost overnight after her imprisonment.

"Oh look!" Lyric exclaimed, trying to divert Cassius' and Lissy's attention, "Here's a photo of Effie's first trip to District 12! Her first Hunger Games season as an Escort!" She beamed proudly.

"Mother, I don't think that's appropriate anymore. I don't want to be reminded of what I've done." Effie said, quietly, holding back tears.

"There's nothing to be ashamed off, dear! You did nothing wrong! Personally, I think they could have let President Snow live, even keep his presidency." Lyric said casually, "It wasn't him who started those awful Hunger Games. He was just doing what his predecessors did before him."

"You did _not_ just say that." Haymitch said, shaking his head, "You are probably the biggest idiot I have ever meant."

"How dare you talk to her like that! Is this how you plan on treating my daughter?" Cosmo retorted.

"Effie is one of the few people in this family who seems to have any sense!" Haymitch yelled.

"You may not agree with someone's opinion, but doesn't mean they don't have any sense! We have our freedom of speech!" Cosmo exclaimed, standing up.

"Yeah and I was one of the people who fought for you to have that freedom. A bunch of good that did I see," Haymitch said sarcastically, leaving the room.

Effie was livid. "I honestly cannot believe you said that, mother." She said with an anger-strained voice.

"I don't see the problem-" Lyric was cut off by her eldest.

"President Snow was the one who had me tortured and imprisoned! How can you say such things about such an evil man?" She paused, to regain as much composure as possible, "I _will_ be marrying Haymitch Abernathy this fall. He may not be the nicest man there is, but I cannot truly say he's acted too out of line this week. He's just treating you the way you've treated him."

"What about what he did at the tour?" Cosmo questioned.

"Cassius did it too. He doesn't understand how inappropriate it was to do during that situation. Most people would probably try to do the same thing. He told me about the PX, how his brother tried to communicate with him through it and he thought you were pulling a prank. He's never been around the paranormal and his actions are understandable." Effie countered.

'Strike two.' Effie thought as she left the room to find Haymitch. She found him outside, standing by the river.

"Haymitch, they don't understand and they may not ever. They did not go through what I did, what we did."

"I don't want our kids to be around someone who thinks like that! That kind of thinking will wind this country back where we started!" He exclaimed angrily, pointing at the house.

For a split second, Effie was caught off guard. Haymitch had mentioned kids. Most men didn't bring up the thought of having kids first, especially men like Haymitch. She couldn't help but smile. It somehow reassured her that he would be a good father; not that she didn't always know that. She knew he would be the minute he realized Katniss had a shot at winning the Games. However, this wasn't the time for that now.

"I'm done wasting my time. I met your family, most of them hate me, and I can't stress enough how glad I am that we're going home the day after tomorrow." Haymitch continued.

"Yes, I'm about done with this all too." Effie sighed. "I didn't want my father's blessing, actually. I don't value his opinion nowadays. I just wanted them to meet you."

"I'm sorry, Effs." He said quietly. Effie knew it took a lot out of Haymitch for him to actually apologize. She didn't blame him for everything going wrong.

"You shouldn't be apologizing. They should. Again, they do not understand."

"I just want you to know I'm not going to be one of those husbands who hate their inlaws and never want his wife to see them again. It would probably be best if _I_ didn't."

"That's probably for the best." Effie agreed.

The next day, Haymitch could tell was destined to be hectic. As soon as the breakfast dishes were clean, Lyric and Effie left for the bakery to prepare for festival the next day. Cosmo left with them to deliver Paylor's tablets, leaving Cassius, Lissy and Haymitch alone with a to-do list to help Lyric prepare for the festival.

All three were supposed to make signs for the booth, such as menus and prices for the cupcakes, flyers for the bakery and the sign for the booth. Lissy did it all while Haymitch and Cassius lazed around.

"Why don't you make yourself useful, you pig." Lissy said in annoyance, dumping a container of pink glitter onto Haymitch's face. Startled, he jumped up and ended up swallowing most and breathing in the rest.

Haymitch wouldn't stop sneezing pink glitter until well after he and Effie returned home.

"You could have killed me!" He sputtered, holding his throat.

"You make that sound like it a bad thing. Now that I have your attention, I'm done with the sign. We need to take it to the booth and put it up and you're vehicle is the only one with a bed to put it in."

The sign that Lissy painted wasn't heavy, but to was too long for just one person to carry.

"Yeah yeah whatever. Smells like work to me." He groaned as he and Cassius got up and put the sign in the bed of the truck.

They drove in silence to the fairgrounds until Haymitch got an idea.

"Seatbelt check!" Haymitch exclaimed, slamming his foot on the brakes. He and Cassius were belted in but Lissy wasn't. Fortunately, she had quick reflects and was able to catch herself before she hit her head on the head rest in front of her.

"You asshole! You could have killed me!" Lissy exclaimed.

"You make that sound like it a bad thing." Haymitch mocked. "Such a foul mouth on such a young girl."

"So you were part of rebellion, do you code names?" Cassius asked unexpectedly, sounding like he was living vicariously through Haymitch.

For the first time since they met, Cassius was getting annoying; "Yes…"

"What was yours? Drunken Jackass?" Lissy asked sarcastically.

"I know how to wreck a vehicle and only kill the passenger in the backseat, even if the passenger is on the driver's side. I can easily get another truck too, I still get award money for winning the Games." Haymitch said darkly as they arrived at the fairgrounds.

"Where's mom's booth?" Cassius asked he and Haymitch carried the sign.

"All the way at the end." Lissy replied as though Cassius was the dumbest person she had ever met.

Haymitch groaned. People were already at the fairgrounds, setting up there own booths. Like Effie, the Capitol had changed it's outlandish way of dressing. However, it seemed like only Effie understood the finer points of dressing normally. Women would still have hair that looked like a mental patient designed while wearing a simple outfit or vice versa. The men of the Capitol weren't doing much better. They still had an affinity for their wives makeup apparently.

Lissy lead them to the booth but was in no hurry. She walked slowly, as to not get gravel in her shoes or dust on them. Haymitch was about two seconds from kicking her when they made it the booth.

"Who has the nails?" Haymitch asked, standing on the desk of the booth, holding the sign in place. Cassius stood next to him, holding the other side.

"They're in your pocket you idiot." Lissy snapped.

"Haha, blonde moment Haymitch?" Cassius teased.

"I'll show you blonde moment," Haymitch said threatening Cassius with the hammer.

As they put up the sign, Lissy saw a few of the judges for the pageant she would compete in the next day and took this as a chance to score extra points, leaving Haymitch and Cassius.

"Let's leave her." Cassius said to Haymitch.

"You don't have to tell me twice." He replied as quickly made their way back to the truck without Lissy.

Without Lissy, it was quiet and utter peace at the Trinket household. Haymitch was finally able to nap without being terrorized. Just as he was falling asleep, Lyric, Effie and Cosmo returned.

"Where's Lissy?" Effie asked, looking around for her sister.

"We left her at the fairgrounds." Cassius replied casually.

"You what?!" Cosmo exclaimed.

"Haymitch!" Effie screeched.

"She could be kidnapped or murdered!" Lyric panicked, grasping onto her husband for support.

"No she won't. It's not even a mile away. I can see it from my bedroom window. You used let us walk home when we got tired of waiting for you to close your booth when we were much younger than her!" Cassius replied.

Lyric was obviously silenced by her son's argument, but Cosmo wasn't done. Effie spoke up before he could.

"Why did you leave her?" Effie asked calmly.

"She was getting annoying." Haymitch answered.

"Why must you torture that young girl?" Lyric asked, dramatically.

"Me? Torture her? Ha! You've got to be kidding me. I bet President Snow's granddaughter is more humble and nicer than her! A few weeks in District 12 will straighten her out!" Haymitch retorted.

Before anyone else could speak, Lissy walked through the front door.

"What?" She asked, everyone staring at her.

"Are you ok?" Cosmo asked.

"Yeah…Is this about tweedledee and tweedledum leaving me? It's not a big deal." Lissy replied.

"Dad, nothing would have happened to Lissy. She could knock anyone out with a single punch. You have notes from her principal to prove it!" Effie added.

"I'm done arguing about this. I want him gone." Cosmo said sharply, pointing to Haymitch.

"_We _will be. I planned on staying a week and we will." Effie said, stubbornly. 'Strike three.' She thought, defeated.

Author's note: Here's a case of art imitating life; Effie's and Lissy's embarrassing moments were actually mine! Onto business; The next chapter is the final chapter. I do have two more Hayffie stories I want to write and I will publish if anyone is interested. One is a sequel to this story and the next is sort of a biography of Effie and Haymitch, detailing their lives that the books left out. Also I will being moving in about a week and a half (Seventh move in a year and a half. Seriously. Pray for me). I'll try to have a new chapter posted right after I get internet at my new house. Just FYI. I may or may not have mentioned this previously, but my family and I run a paranormal investigation group that does actual investigations and public meet-ups. We've had several people try to pull things like Haymitch and Cassius did in the previous chapter. Really, people usually do not know how to conduct themselves and with the PX, someone like Haymitch would react the same way. And yes, I prefer blonde Haymitch.


	5. Headed Home

Author's note: Here is the final chapter, posted after I moved and had internet hooked up at my new house! Although, it is much later than I expected. After we moved, well, let's just say we've had some difficulties. Now, things have improved. I know I promised a few more Hayffie fics and I hope to get to them once I've finished a few other of my stories. So be on the lookout!

Lyric awoke everyone bright and early to get to the fairgrounds in time. 'In time', in her mind, was much 'obscenely early in Haymitch's. He and Cassius refused to get up and Lyric squirted them with ice cold water and dropped one of the cats on them. Haymitch shot up after that. Effie tended to do the same thing back home, minus the cat. Haymitch was not looking forward to the festival. He had a feeling he'd be put to work and/or chewed out by Effie's parents every chance they got.

"Hurry hurry hurry!" Lyric chirped as she ushered everyone out the door, but not before everyone was handed several boxes of her cupcakes.

"It's barely light out!" Haymitch complained, as they stepped out the door.

"Mom's a little crazy about the festival." Cassius explained, groggily.

Lyric didn't hear what Cassius said, she was too busy checking the cupcakes.

Effie's parents and Lissy drove the fairgrounds in their own vehicle, with Haymitch, Effie and Cassius following behind in Haymitch's truck.

Before the Trinket's vehicle was fully stopped at their destination, Lyric shot out and quickly disappeared in the throng of people associated with the festival.

"You said she's a _little_ crazy?" Haymitch asked.

When everyone caught up with Lyric, she was already at her booth, setting up the cupcakes she carried herself.

"Set your cupcakes here!" She said quickly, pointing to the free space on the booth.

"I'm starving." Cassius groaned dramatically, "Someone _neglected _to feed us!" he said jokingly to his mother.

"Life goes on, dear." She replied, distractedly. "Here, you can have at the cupcakes that didn't turn out right."

Everyone happily munched on deflated, squished or otherwise aesthetically ruined, but perfectly fine cupcakes.

As the festival opened to the public, everyone wondered off. Cosmo was networking the crowd, stirring up investigations for his team and new clients for his workshop. Haymitch wanted to find something deep fried and on a stick, a few cupcakes wasn't enough to fill him up. Cassius had ran into several of his exes and was keeping a low profile. Lissy was busy sizing up her competition for that night and Effie was with Lyric, helping her mother at her booth.

Haymitch and Cassius caught up to each other and found themselves in a crowd, watching a time capsule being unearthed. Inside was a picture of the president at the time. He had dark skin and big ears and summary of the last hundred years. Along with the picture, there were six movie discs that contained something called 'The Star Wars Saga', seven stories written on paper about someone named Harry Potter and something called an Ip-Od that played music. Several other items were amongst the time capsule, but Haymitch lost interest when the hooked up the music player. The only playable song was one that skipped and only sang one line.

"Take me back to Tulsa! Take me back to Tulsa!" A group of men sang.

"I don't know where Tulsa used to be, but for the love god take them back!" Haymitch exclaimed in annoyance, covering his ears.

After noon, Effie was released from her booth duty and her father replaced her. Effie dragged both Haymitch and Cassius back to the stage where the time capsule was emptied to watching the reherseal for the pageant Lissy was in. Behind the stage was a ten foot deep water fountain. Several times, Haymitch had seen people so drunk that they took a swim in the fountain. He hoped to god it was other people and not really him. When the stage was gone, or moved elsewhere, the Capitol programmed the water to dance intricate ways or in time with music, lightshows or fireworks. Tents that served as dressing rooms for the contestants were placed around the fountain.

The pageant had some stupid name like 'Girls of the New Capitol' or something cheesy like that. Haymitch allowed himself one drink a day. Because he was hard on himself, he hadn't had any alcohol that entire week and rarely indulged anymore. If the real pageant was going to be just as bad as the rehearsal, if not worse, Haymitch had a feeling he'd have a drink before the night was over.

Being the little diva she was, Lissy somehow weaseled herself into the being the very first contestant shown in all the categories of beauty, talent and swimsuit. Since it was just rehearsal, she wasn't in her formal dress, but still ran the steps of the routine. After her turn was over, Haymitch said,

"This is stupid. Don't tell you did this."

"What's wrong with it? I won pageant several titles when I was young." Effie replied, honestly not sure why Haymitch thought it was stupid.

"I can tell already, this is going to turn into our usual disagreement arguments. I'm not talking to you for five seconds." Haymitch said.

Cassius, standing next to Effie, leaned forward to see Haymitch, "We _all_ were in pageants."

Haymitch guffawed at Cassius' expense and pointed at him like he was a sideshow creature. Cassius stayed silent as his ears turned red.

After a brief intermission, the swimsuit portion was next. Like last time, Lissy didn't change and was just rehearsing her steps on stage, but that didn't stop Cassius from making cow noises in the audience. Lissy shot him a death glare from the stage.

Next was the talent portion where Lissy sang some horribly written song. While she did have a nice voice, Haymitch still wished he had a tomato to throw.

After all of Lissy's parts where done, Cassius left, saying he saw his old principal from school in the dunk tank. Effie dragged Haymitch down the merchant's alley. Thankfully, she didn't buy anything. She preferred to spend his money on their wedding. How she intended it to be a small wedding but spent like it was going to be gala, was beyond Haymitch. All he knew was that the cake better taste good for how much he was shelling out.

As dusk approached, Lyric closed her booth, having made a few thousand dollars in sales. She was very pleased as she and Effie went to get Lissy for the pageant.

Cosmo, Cassius and Haymitch sat in the same mobile stands that were usually used for the Tribute Parade. While they had nothing really to do with the Hunger Games, the stands still felt unholy and evil to Haymitch.

"Thank goodness we got seats!" Cassius said in relief, looking at the rest of the audience, standing around in front of the stage.

"If only they were seats to something interesting." Haymitch griped.

"You know Haymitch, is it possible to have just one pleasant night? Or are you hell bent on making our life miserable?" Cosmo asked, frustrated.

"It's not even worth arguing anymore." Haymitch replied, shaking his head.

Suddenly, Effie appeared in the aisle next to their seats.

"The pageant organizers are asking the families of the contestants to watch from backstage. There's not enough seats for the general audience."

"You mean people willingly watch this crap?" Haymitch asked, sarcastically.

"Manners, Haymitch." Effie warned.

The three of them stood up and followed Effie backstage. Despite it being outside, the backstage area air was thick with makeup powders, hairspray and perfume. It was a noxious mix that nearly knocked Haymitch off his feet.

"The heels on my shoes are too high!" Lissy whined as they joined her and Lyric as she shifted from one foot the other.

"Beauty takes pain and so does the grand supreme title." Lyric urged, tying the back of Lissy's horrendously pink and glittery dress tightly.

Lissy was painted up as though a child had painted over a beautiful work of art, too much makeup and too bright. It needed to be taken down a few notches. Looking around at the other contestants, Haymitch wasn't sure if Lissy's makeup was a mistake, they _all_ looked like that. While it may have been an unspoken society rule to never dress like the old Capitol, it apparently didn't apply to pageants.

"Come with me, Lissy. You need to walk in them a bit." Effie said, guiding Lissy out of her dressing area and had her walk around the fountain.

Haymitch saw what happened next, Lissy dropped one of her earrings into the fountain behind the stage. Like the little twit she was, she risked her life for that one, inexpensive, dime a dozen earring. Her heels, that she herself said were too high for her, caught her off balance and fell face first into the fountain. Effie had tried to catch her little sister but wasn't quick enough. The shock from her sudden fall, coupled with the fact Lissy could not swim and the weight of her dress weighing her down, Lissy wasn't able to resurface.

"She's drowning!" Lyric exclaimed in horror as a group of pageant contestants and their family and their pageant underlings watched.

Haymitch was the first to act, not even taking off his jacket before he dove in after her. That night, the water had a purple coloring agent in it to make the water purple as it sprayed out of the fountain. It was meant to be whimsical, but it made the water too dark for Haymitch to see. He fumbled around for several long seconds before he felt the tulle of Lissy's dress just beyond his fingertips. Haymitch lunged forward in the water and grabbed Lissy, pulling her up. Her head hit the air before his. Lissy sputtered for air, coughing up purple fountain water.

Cosmo was at the edge of the fountain, about to dive in after them if they hadn't resurfaced when they did. He quickly pulled Lissy from Haymitch's arms, thankful she was going to be ok.

"You saved my daughter." Cosmo said in astonishment.

"I saved your older daughter once too." He replied a-matter-of-factly, pulling himself out of the fountain and shaking the water off him like a dog.

The pageant organizer came up to Lissy and her parents while two of the judges had towels for her and Haymitch. "We would like to postpone the pageant long enough for your daughter to be able to compete properly. Can she be ready in an hour?"

Lyric looked at Effie and Lissy. "What do you think, daughter?" she asked Effie.

"I think we can get her ready in time. If she feels like it, that is."

"You have to ask?" Lissy asked hoarsely, coughing a bit. "Of course I want to compete!"

With that, Lyric, Effie and Lissy disappeared into her dressing area, the sound of hairdryers followed. Cassius was sent home to with specific instructions on what dress to bring back. That left Haymitch and Cosmo alone.

"I just don't know what to think of you." Cosmo replied, evenly.

"Look, I know I'm not a father's dream when it comes who marrying his daughter. And I know I can be a complete jackass sometimes but I swear I love Effie and wouldn't think of hurting her in anyway. I would do anything for her." Haymitch said, earnestly.

Cosmo was quiet for a few moments before he finally said, "If you can save someone that you admit to not liking, rather than watching her drown, then you must be a good man. I give you my blessing to marry my daughter."

Effie was ecstatic when she heard the news. It felt like a weight off her shoulders. Lissy was able to compete in the pageant, but was not able to claim the title she wanted. However, she did seem thankful for the prize and title she did win.

The next morning, Effie and Haymitch departed for home, but not before Lissy gave her future brother in law a quick hug and quietly said thank you for saving her.

"Not a problem, sweetheart." Haymitch replied, a small smile on his face.

It was nothing more than a game, this trip. Haymitch fought to prove himself to his inlaws and won their respect. In the end, he played in worse games.

Epilogue

It wasn't long after Haymitch and Effie set off when noticed the stowaways in the bed of the truck. The cats were in there cat carriers and the dogs were as happy as can be on their ride. Haymitch thought the liquid on the side mirror was rain, but seeing the obese basset, he realized it came from her jowls flapping in the wind. By the time they found them, it was too far away for them to turn around and bring the animals back. A note was taped to one of the carriers that simply said, "Courtesy of Lissy."

She was in for it.


End file.
